September 13, 2007 at 9:00 pm (law, Rant, society, Television)

I pay 14 bucks a month for basic cable. I get the networks, football without static, public access, and a few randoms line E!, Discovery Channel, and C-Span. I have heard about the concept of a la carte cable, where you pay only for the channels you will actually watch. When that happens the American Revolution will finally be over. I know that I end up watching crap I wouldn’t otherwise, on random weekday nights. Exhibit 1: The Scrubs Rerun Network (which probably has another name). Exhibit 2: The Girls Next Door. I originally thought it was a documentary on Why The Terrorists Hate Us, but it is apparently a real series. Exhibit 3: I am watching C-Span. Check that, C-Span Two.

Why? Because the tag line on the bottom of the screen says “Cable TV must allow a la carte content rules.” OMG! I am so excited. Except they are talking about bandwidth limitations that prevent effective nationwide deployment of Wireless Enhanced 911 Services. Huh? Who cares about 911? I just want ESPN and Comedy Central.

I went to the FCC website to view the agenda from Tuesday’s meeting. I don’t see anything on there about me not having to stream pirated Jon Stewart monologues. But I am smart, so I used thinking and decided that the following agenda item is what I am after:

Implementation of the Cable Television Consumer Protection and Competition Act of 1992; Development of Competition and Diversity in Video Programming Distribution, Section 628(c)(5) of the Communications Act, Sunset of Exclusive Contract Prohibition (MB Docket No. 07-29); and Review of the Commission’s Program Access Rules and Examination of Programming Tying Arrangements.

But that is item 5! This thing just started; it will be hours before they get to the good stuff! Why is C-Span resorting to sensationalism to attract viewers? I don’t know what irks me more, that they blatantly lie about what is being discussed to make it seem interesting to channel surfers, or that it works. I am still watching it.

In related news, the Family and Consumer Choice Act of 2007 has in fact been introduced in Congress. Thank you, Janet Jackson’s nipple.


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June 14, 2007 at 11:52 pm (Rant)

Don’t read this post if you are under 18.

Many of you have seen my driver’s license. Chances are, when you saw it, you said “damn bubba, where did you do hard time?” Yes, I look like a fucking thug in my license picture, which is one reason why I like it so goddamn much.

Tonight it was Thirsty Thursday at the Beavers game. I went with my company softball team, expecting some good old fashioned team bonding. At one point I went to buy some beers, and I got fully denied. She didn’t believe it was me. I busted out 2 credit cards, my student ID, and my goddamn Bally’s membership card, and she still wouldn’t sell to me. I said “bitch, what do you thing this is, some huge conspiracy to get a fucking 2 dollar Miller Lite?” slightly more politely than that. I had to wait in line at the next fucking booth to get some goddamn beers. I should have asked the stupid Mexican cunt for her goddamn green card, but I really just wanted to get another beer. That has never happened, but I have come close many times. I am 29 years old.

Dinner tonight consisted of a cold, colgealed peperroni pizza. It was fucking nasty. I would have supplemented it with some jalepenyo nachos, but the bitch wouldn’t sell me them to me.

I met a girl, we went to see some music afterwards, her name was Christina, I got her number, she might have been cute, but I was drunk. I might call her.

Music on my I-Tunes right now: Eazy-E.

The Bob O’Brien Band is worth checking out, if you are into gay soft-emo Dave Matthews type shit.

So ends another Thirsty Thursday. I’m going to be late for work tomorrow.

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The real burning question

April 24, 2007 at 5:51 pm (Music, Rant)

“If I just lay here…will you lie with me…and…pretend that this fucking song isn’t on the goddamn radio for the 400th fucking time today???” Jesus Tapdancing Christ, if I ever meet the guy who wrote that song, I’m going to kick him in the fucking balls!! “Look maw, ah kin play octaves on mah git-tar!” Nothing in the world is more depressing than some pierced, tattooed 30-something sellout pandering to a bunch of teeny-boppers. Seriously, is there an adult on the planet who listens to this crap?

Sorry, I had to balance out that last post.

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I need a maid

February 14, 2007 at 5:35 am (Rant)

I live alone, so I just can’t believe how much clutter I am able to generate.  I just spent 3 hours putting stuff away, dusting, doing the dishes, and laundry.  I promise I will get organized this time, until 2 weeks from now when I do it all over again.  Does anyone want to come over for one night a week and get my life in order?  I’ll pay minimum wage…and I mean real minimum wage, not this pinko commie Oregon bullcrap.

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Try “several”

February 9, 2007 at 6:39 am (Rant)

Often, there is a probability that something will happen.  If you are describing said likelihood, chances are you, in your corporate spokesman verbiage, will say “there are a number of reasons why…”

Guess what?  Zero is a number.  So when you say “there are a number of reasons why I’m not an idiot,” you are actually opening the door to me concluding that you are, in fact, an idiot.

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The Philly Cheesesteak Burger

February 2, 2007 at 2:37 am (Rant)

Ok, I admit up front that I stole this from Jay Leno, but it is worth repeating. Carl’s Jr. has their new masterpiece, the Philly Cheesesteak Burger, polluting America’s airwaves and gastro-intestinal systems. Have you seen this commercial? It’s basically a giant cheeseburger, with all the fixins, topped off with some thin sliced beef that you would find on a cheesesteak. Is that how fat we are in this country, that MEAT has become a condiment? Are you kidding me?

Here is a picture and the “nutrition” information. 830 calories, 17 grams of saturated fat, and 1500 grams of sodium. If you throw in an order of fries and a large coke, you are approaching your daily allotment of calories. There are people who eat this shit twice a day, and the Demmycrats wonder why people oppose nationalized health care.

While I’m on the subject of the disgusting blobs our society spews out…fat people who smoke…Fuck ’em! Seriously…how much self-loathing do you have to have bottled up inside to show yourself such utter disrespect? I saw this guy today who was so fat he had trouble walking. He was probably pushing 400 pounds….barrelling for the nearest bench so he could light one up. I felt disgusted for a minute, then I decided to just feel sorry for him. Like, if a bus came by I was going to push him in front of it, to save him the misery of slowly killing himself subconsciously. He’s lucky buses no longer run on 5th Ave. Or not, perhaps.

Damn, I’m one bitter asshole. This is why I haven’t been writing anything lately.

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Proposed Legislation

September 28, 2006 at 1:30 am (Rant)

I hereby propose the URban Integrated Nephrology Enactment:

“A. No corporation or other legal entity engaged in Commerce within the United States shall produce, manufacture, or distribute colostomy bags, unless:

1. Said colostomy bag is 100% opaque.

B. The penalty for violation of this Statute shall be summary execution.”

Please contact your Congressman immediately, before the guy I just saw smoking a joint in the Park Blocks decides to start hanging out in your neighborhood.

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Penury: it’s not just for the unemployable anymore

September 27, 2006 at 5:44 am (Rant)

I’m unemployed.  And poor.  It sucks.  I calculated it the other week, and if I don’t count rent/utilities, tuition and books, I can spend approximately $61 a week between now and December 20,barring any additional income sources.  Of course the gf and I went to Astoria this weekend, and I spent 81 bucks on the room…and now I’m afraid to redo the math.

I’ll be a Master in December, and I am trying to recollect why I deliberately did not graduate in June.  I am three hours away from my degree, and at some point I thought it would be a great idea to prolong the suffering for one more quarter.  So here I am , it’s 10 o’clock, I just got home from class with a bunch of doe-eyed first years.  I was the grizzled, sweaty old bastard in the back corner of the room who kept staring at the clock.

I am now applying for jobs, three so far and another tomorrow, two of which are temporary/part time, two of which are career-types.  I’d be happy with any of them.  The problem is, I am barely qualified to be a project manager with the city development agency (or, there have to be people way more qualified than me, if not then we’re in serious trouble), and I am way overqualified for an internship that requires 2 years of college and 6 months of office experience.  It’s a sort of academic/professional purgatory.  I even looked into pouring suds at a local dive, but the local hipsters were all over that one like a fly on shit.

At least the weather is nice.  I have been riding my bike around town like Lance freaking Armstrong, just to kill time.  But I am afraid to wear my tires down too much because purchasing gasoline is becoming a luxury.  I might consider befriending the 8 year old down the street who is obsessed with my cat.  He’s either home schooled or an early dropout, because he is always around, knocking on my door.  Maybe in a few weeks I can earn some cheese raking leaves.

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August 18, 2006 at 2:56 am (Rant)

I love keyboard shortcut keys more than words can encapsulate.  They are my best friend, and the greatest time-saving device in the history of mankind.

I hate keyboard shortcut keys with a fiery passion so fierce, I cannot describe it.  If I find another errant t, v, or w in my document, I am going to fucking shoot someone.

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Mind dump

May 11, 2006 at 9:40 pm (Rant)

I'm getting really tired of the fauxhawk-sportin' barista at my local coffee shop. This applies to several local coffee shops. When I say "room for cream" I don't mean I want to add 1/3 cup of half-and-half. A tablespoon, maybe. So why do I find myself only getting 2/3 a cup of coffee half the time these days? This is a growing phenomenon. Is there a coffee shortage? I remember when Wendy's stopped putting tomatoes on your sandwhich unless you asked for them, it was due to some kind of tomato crop failure a year or 2 ago. Whatever it is, I blame Hugo Chavez.

Will somebody please give OPB money? Make the pledge drive stop, please make it stop. I can't think of anything that annoys me more than waking up to some local Tier-B celebrity acting excited about a free coffee mug and begging you to write a check. It's pathetic the way they grovel, it really is. I think they should have a bunch of mini fund drives throughout the year rather than these painful marathons. I heard about some station somewhere that was trying that this year, and good lord I hope it works. I bet people would be more interested if they could, for example, win baseball tickets in July by pledging a hundred bucks or so. As it is now, all I do is change the channel because it will go on for 15 minutes.

Ok, last year about this time I got guilted into pledging. I was like "you know, I really do enjoy their programming, and I am basically a free rider" so I called and gave them 50 bucks. Not 10 minutes later, they offered a special where you got some free book if you gave them $60. Now, clearly they knew this was coming down the pipe, so why didn't they try to get me to up my pledge? I would have in a heartbeat…all I get for my 50 bucks is All Things Considered and a really bad weather report in the morning? Needless to say this year I will be waiting until the really sweet deal is offered…which I will miss…because I won't be listening…because I change the channel whenever the pledge drive comes on.

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