The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen

August 26, 2007 at 8:55 pm (Movies)

It could be Caddyshack 2. Or Short Circuit 2. Or even better, Ghostbusters 2. Anything with a 2 in the title most likely blows. (except Terminator 2) Airplane 2, Hot Shots Part Deux, it works in all languages. Napoleon Dynamite, also The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen, is a rare exception. But I think the prize must ultimately go to Major League 2.

I had a date to see that move back in 1995, with a really hot girl who was a senior at PHS. (I, a mere junior) That movie was so bad, so horribly, uncomfortably awful, that there was no possibility of a second date. The dinner at Chi Chi’s probably didn’t help matters. I am still mad at Major League 2, 12 years later. I was admittedly preoccupied on this date, however, because the handle of Bacardi we had acquired for spring break had just been confiscated by TSS’s parents, who proceeded to use it as a centerpiece on the dinner table. No one ever said Old Bob didn’t have a sick sense of humor.

The thing about sequels, is that their relative quality is in inverse proportion to the original. Major League was fucking great. But when I saw that Cerrano had converted to Christianity, I should have cut my losses and walked out. A perfect example is The Matrix 2. It was pretty shitty, but at the time I reconciled it by thinking , “well, The Matrix 3 will be awesome!” Unfortunately, The Matrix 3 was The Worst Movie I Have Ever Seen. In fact, it was so bad, it made its predecessor worse, since the only redeeming quality of The Matrix 2 was that it was merely a segue into a glorious victory for humankind over the machines, which ultimately, never happened. A threequel working backwards in time and worsening the sequel is an unprecedented event, a record Hollywood should respect and allow to stand.

What is The Worst Move You Have Ever Seen?

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3 Comments

  1. corthar said,

    How can Napoleon Dynamite be the worst movie you’ve ever seen?? That movie is so demented and funny. I just don’t get you.

    The movie Slither is the best worst movie I’ve seen. You should rent that. I watched that with a household of kids, whose mothers still remark and call me about how awful it was for me to show it at my house. Hey, I made them cover their eyes during the one, low-key non-nudity sex scene. sheez. What is the big deal about alien bugs?

    Let’s see, Capote was pretty bad. And the Black Dahlia sucked. I was way dissapointed with Brokeback Mountain. Little Miss Sunshine-terrible.

    By the way- Pan’s Labyrinth is the best movie, hands-down, that I’ve seen in a long time.

  2. TSS said,

    A Prairie Home Companion was pretty lame, but then consider the source.

    Napoleon Dynamite was ok. I’m kind of agnostic about it. I watched it alone and thought it was horrible. Then I watched it with a giggler, and it was hilarious. I think it totally matters who you see it with. BM ruined a watching of Anchorman (he hates that movie). While not one of the funniest movies ever made, it’s still pretty good.

    I would have to say the three movies I can’t stand, never have been able to make it all the way through are: Grease, The Wizard of Oz, and The Godfather.

    Sorry, I’m a Sopranos guy. You know the episode of Family Guy where they’re stuck in the chamber filling up with water, and just as it’s covering their heads Peter launches into a schpeel about how he never liked The Godfather? I could have written that. (here’s the clip)

    Dude, that’s hilarious about the rum. I totally forgot they put that on the table. You ate dinner at my place with that there? Oh, and that was all my Mom. My Dad thought it was funny, sure, but he wouldn’t care enough to rub it in like that.

  3. rcr said,

    Max and Emma. Sure, it’s a stupid romantic comedy so I should know what I’m getting myself into. Watched it randomly one sunday afternoon and I was ready to nuke Hollywood. I like Luke Wilson, but he’s done some shitty ass movies.

    To this day I have never seen Titanic, but still maintain it is one of the worst movies ever made. Two words: Celine Dion.

    Point Break. So so terrible that it’s almost good.

    Oh, and Spice World.

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