March fifth, young man

March 6, 2006 at 1:13 am (Health, Personal)

Today marks one month since I have eaten meat. Granted it is the shortest month of the year, but I still think that’s quite an accomplishment. Me and the gf–that’s right–had some fish at the coast yesterday, but as any good Catholic will tell you, fish isn’t meat. I’m not sure if I have decided to be a vegetarian or not, but I have been surprised at how easy it has been so far. There are myriad reasons not to eat meat, which I won’t bore you with, but here is a brief recap on how I arrived at today.

It all started over Christmas when I, being of Red Blood and American Heritage, sat on my ass for a week eating like shit and watching such instant classics as Utah Bible Technical College versus Southwest Louisiana A & M in the Bowl. Maybe it’s my old age, or a heightened sensitivity to things like this, but I never felt like I really recovered this year. I was getting heartburn regularly, lethargic despite exercising a lot, and producing enough methane to draw the ire of federal regulators (remember when FERC was looking at me?) I thought some drastic measures were in order.

Enter The Master Cleanse. In case you don’t know what that is (likely), it is a kind of fast, in which you consume an all liquid diet for a minimum of 10 days, consisting of lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. Starting on Feb. 5 , I consumed 500 daily calories of this pure goodness, and recreated that scene from Dumb and Dumber every morning (if you don’t know which scene, then don’t ask). No coffee, no alcohol (accomplishes themselves), nothing. It was not as miserable an experience as I had imagined. I actually felt pretty damn good after about day 3, and emerged from the whole thing feeling better, physically and mentally, than I have felt in years. I lost a little over 10 pounds, I can actually sleep through the night, my CH4 production is down 98%, and if I do say so myself I am a far more pleasing person to be around. I would go so far as to say I had another Great Leap Forward. Why am I telling you all this? I’m not sure. I think I’m digging this vegetarian thing. I spend far less on food, I don’t eat nearly as much and I make the best baba ghanouj you’ve ever had. But soon I need to deversify my menu lest I start sweating eggplants. Recipes welcome.



  1. TSS said,

    I’ve never understood how fish doesn’t count as meat. It’s still the muscle tissue of a living creature. The delicious succulent muscle tissue of a blessed living creature …. sorry, went out for sushi last night, the greatest food of all time.I looked into that fasting thing once. I figgered I’d rather eat.

  2. JB said,

    What?? Why can’t you just blindly accept knee-jerk religious dogma like the rest of us?

  3. corthar said,

    i don’t doubt that you felt better (most likely due to pyschosis enduced through starvation…But it doesn’t take a doctor to have enough sense to know that losing 10 pounds in 10 days in anything BUT healthy…in fact, that is just gross.and maple syrup? ew.

  4. jones said,

    there are two kinds of "vegetarians" that eat fish – the kind who are "vegetarians" for health reasons and the kind who don’t eat "cute" things like otters, as denis leary would say. which kind are you?i found i ate more cheese than i would have thought possible when i was a vegetarian. i’ve also recently found nuts to be a surprisingly acceptable replacement for meat if necessary, and i know you like the occasional nut.

  5. JB said,

    I love nuts, in all colors and sizes. And I didn’t say I am a vegetarian, I just said I haven’t eaten meat for a month.

  6. booyah said,

    Good. Cuz if you were a vegetarian, we would fight.

  7. JB said,

    Hey man, it’s your hometown that is doing this to me. Did I mention that I am also gay?

  8. booyah said,

    Figures. I had actually considered this same cleanse a few years ago. Never went through with it. Now you’re making me consider it again. That mucoid plaque shit is gross.

  9. JB said,

    Yeah but the pictures you see online are extreme cases. In any case I would rather have that gross stuff out of my body than in it.

  10. TSS said,

    The only religious dogma I follow is that of the true belivers, The Heaven’s Gate.

  11. rock creek rambler said,

    Girlfriend? Why is this the first I’ve heard of this?I’m currently back on my diet – not as extreme, but it is a severe decrease in caloric intake and portion size. I don’t think losing 10 pounds in 10 days is that big of a deal when you have 20-30 to spare. Most of it’s water anyway. I’m down 7 in one week, but most of that is from not drinking tons of beer. The next 10 will be much harder.

  12. schwarzbein principle vegetarian cook book said,

    Thanks for accepting my post, that is the true spirit of this citizen’s media.

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