Flying

December 20, 2005 at 3:40 pm (Personal, Random)

I realized yesterday that in 2005 I have flown from Portland to: San Diego, Phoenix, Philadelphia, Washington DC, Palm Springs FL, and Columbus OH (twice). That’s a lot of flying, and I have a free flight coming to me from United Airlines. Any suggestions? I’d love to use it except they tend to black out dates one might want to fly, such as holidays, weekends, and summer.

It finally happened yesterday: I had to sit next to a big fat guy on a plane. Actually, it could have been a woman, I’m not sure. Usually only men smell that bad though. This dude wasn’t TOO fat, he pretty much only filled one seat, and I was able to almost lower the arm rest between us. I wonder what happens when a REALLY fat person tries to fly? I mean, 30% of the populaion is morbidly obese, you would think that would be a problem more often than it seems to be. My thought is, if you must fly and you take up more than one seat, you should have to pay for it. I feel sorry for the first person who tries to occupy the 3 square feet I paid 400 bucks for. Apologies in advance for all those horrible things I will say to you. Why don’t you just stay home, so it can be determined what nutrients you have that might be extracted for our personal use?

Every time I get on a plane, the first thing I do is scan the cabin for potential Muslims. I’m completely serious. I wonder if a day will come when I won’t feel a need to do that?

I officially christen O’Hare Airport “The Happiest Place on Earth.” Sorry Disneyworld, your day is up. In case you have never been there, O’Hare has 5 terminals, and each terminal is at least twice the size of Portland’s entire airport. So there is plenty of space to spread around the joy. I love it there. Between the inevitable delays, the unannounced gate changes, the rude disgruntled employees, fire-hazard level crowds, where else would one want to spend the holidays? I once had so much fun at O’Hare that I got locked up in a drunk tank when I landed in Philly. True story. Yesterday was actually the best experience I have ever had there…I got me a Chicago-style hotdog, walked to my gate and got on the plane without incident, then spent the next hour wondering why I got that Chicago-style hotdog. I also award O’Hare the coveted Quote of the Year award: “Please do not leave your bags unattended at O’Hare International Airport. Please do not leave your bags unattended at any airport.” I have to wonder, while clearly an afterthought, is that based on altruism, or some lawyer worried about a lawsuit? “Ramzi bin-yousef al-jalalabad Hamadi acquitted of blowing up Midway, thought leaving bombs in bag only prohibited at O’Hare based on PA announcement,” the headline in the Tribune will read. I saw a 75 year old woman getting the full TSA treatment yesterday as well. Arms out, crotch grabbing, bomb sniffing wand up her butt, everything. Hey, they’re equal opportunity violaters, no? Wouldn’t want Ramzi bin-yousef al-jalalabad Hamadi to feel like he was being profiled would we?

I feel so much safer now.

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2 Comments

  1. TLS said,

    You also went TO Chicago, not just through it. O’Hare is a fun place to kill time, as compared to other airports. My main beef with it is that you *always* end up killing time there due to incessant delays. Not a bad place to get straight up hammered though.

  2. rcr said,

    And what’s the deal with those airline peanuts? I mean, is this supposed to be a meal?

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