Letter of the week

September 28, 2005 at 4:21 am (Portland, Rant)

Let me start by saying that I am no fan of the Portland Mercury. I hate it more than just about anything, except possibly the guy across the street who decided last June to buy a rooster. I’m reluctant to post about it, even more reluctant to link to them. Do not click on the above link under any circumstances. Sometimes I pick it up, for example when the coffee shop is out of toilet peper. The Mercury is one of the two “alternative weekly” rags here in Stumptown, the other being Willamette Week. While the Week is busy engaging in actual journalism, doing things like winning Pulitzers, Hg tries to distinguish itself as the hipster, tragically cynical tabloid, by doing things like plagiarizing The Onion. Despite that caveat-laced intro, the Merc gets this week’s coveted Letter of the Week Prize, written, of course, by someone NOT on the staff.

DEAR YUPPIE SCUMBAGS

TO RACHEL AND DENNIS, who hate suburbanites coming into the Pearl District [Letters, Sept 8]. Fuck you two yuppie scumbags. Based on your letter, it is obvious that the suburbs don’t hold the patent on obnoxious people.

While some in Beaverton live in McMansions, you live in a McCondo, dumbfuck. If there are more soulless buildings in Portland, I’ve yet to see them. Your island of concentrated wealth and tax abatement are nothing more than a suburb within the city. A homogenous group of people with similar ideologies, income, and race.

Finally you state that it takes much less in terms of resources to live in a multi-unit dwelling than a house in Beaverton?! What the fuck are you talking about, douchebag? You don’t even cite a shred of evidence to support such a retarded claim.

I hope someday you walk down my street in Beaverton. I’ll do my best to make you feel at home. I’ll shit in the street and drink 40 ouncers wrapped in paper bags. Then I’ll hit you up for money. Cunts.

Ian of the Beaverton

Good job Ian, I couldn’t have put it better myself. Watch for next week’s prize, which will go to me if they publish my letter. But they never do.
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