Rants and Observations

September 10, 2005 at 8:20 pm (Beer, Rant, Uncategorized)

Pabst Blue Ribbon is shitty beer. It’s the schwiggiest of the schwiggy. I don’t care how much you charge for it, how many faux-vintage tchotchkes you have hanging up in your little hispter bar, how thick your Buddy Holly glasses are, or how cool you think you look with your “PBR Bowling Team 1957” jacket that you bought at Walmart, it’s shit. Always has been, always will be. There’s a reason it hasn’t won an award for 125 years.

I find it interesting when friends who are secretly attracted to you display low-key hostility whenever you mention that girl you went out with last week, or the chick you have had a crush on all year. It’s happened to me twice in the past 2 days. I’ve been on the other side of that equation but still I find it annoying.

I’m getting really tired of supposedly high-society Oregonians who don’t know their governor’s name. Last night on the City Club of Portland at least 2 speakers referred to him as “Governor Kulongowski.” Read the fine print, ladies…there is no “W” in Kulongoski. (Hey, if he decides to run for pres. someday, that could be a good campaign slogan) Sure, it ain’t Smith, but I don’t understand why you Americans can not say my name. Nay-ah-na-na-ja. Nayananajah.

Androgyny is the new black. I have lost count of how many people I see walking around who would easily make SNL’s Pat jealous. I am specifically looking at the cadre that included the afforementioned PBR bowler. It must take hours to make your hair look that shaggy and unkempt.

If you are a budding female folk singer/songwriter, don’t open your set with a sappy ballad that has “Jump into his broken heart” as the first line. Yes, I led the exodus back to the bar, but the 12 people behind me weren’t lemmings.

Internet porn just ain’t what it used to be. Sorry fellas, but it’s not a free trial if you ask for my credit card number. Even if you don’t charge anything. And for the love of god, skip the photo shoot if you are having a herpes outbreak.

Summer is officially over. The clouds rolled into Portland yesterday, and experts are predicting that they will break sometime in May. But that could only mean one thing…football! I have never looked forward to a season more than this one. Not only because I am about to win 80 bucks from the chumps in my fantasy league, but this also marks my first season as a huge Oregon Ducks fan. If, following this year’s “Civil War,” there is a riot in Corvallis and the whole damn town burns to the ground, I for one won’t be shedding a tear. Oh, and Michigan really needs a new quarterback.

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6 Comments

  1. corthar said,

    That low-key hostility thing stems from poor self-image. It is irritating. There are many men and women who need to continue believing that they are the sun you orbit around.Here is a rant for you:Why, oh why, are students in a gated community of homes averaging 1 mil in Parkersburg districted at Greenmont Elementary in Vienna?? Social engineering is so passe. So is trickle down economics, but that is neither here nor there. Discuss.

  2. JB said,

    Maybe if poor people spend more time with their genetically superior rich comrades, they will learn not to be so poor. Isn’t that what an ownership society is?

  3. jones said,

    theres money in the league? i wont even bother sending a check. itll just come back in my winnings anyway.

  4. JB said,

    Oh yeah, I didn’t mention that did I? Everyone kicks in 20 bucks…runner up keeps his share and the winner gets the rest. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know if you could afford it.

  5. Big Sexy said,

    I’m not going to bother to rant and rave here, I’ll save that for the next time I get drunk with my roomate (which should be about 15 seconds after we get home from work tomorrow) However, I feel that I do need to comment on this entry, as you made a horribly inaccurate comment. Pabst Blue Ribbon is not the shwiggity of the schwagg. PBR actually has a low end beer (I’m not kidding) It is called ‘Jacob’s Best Light’ and as far as I know, it is only sold in one town, Pt Marion, Pa just across the border from Morgantown WV. At a mere $3.75 / case, it is the only beer I have ever seen that is cheaper than Pepsi. I have seriously had rashes that were more refreshing than this beer…..Just wanted to correct your statementPS…I’m glad that you are pumped about the new football season….judging by tonight’s game with the Falcons, you can expect quite a few rude phone calls in the coming Sundays

  6. JB said,

    You can’t spell Big Sexy without BS.

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